Showing posts with label White Trash Wednesday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label White Trash Wednesday. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Dern Childern

I wan't sure if Basil would be letting me be posting here since he's nearly 'bout quit doing the postings hisself. But my accounta aint'd locked, so I'm still around it seems.

I was heading out to visit this lady I know, and I wanted to stop for pizza. They got a Little Ceasers pizza place out towards where this lady lives. So, I stopped by.

Turns out they weren't open yet. Or something. But the Subway next door was open. So I ordered me one of those sandwishes. I was thinking about doing that Jaret diet, so this seemed like a good time to start.

Now, if eating a 6-inch sub was good on a diet, I figuired I'd lose twice as much if I ordered a 12-inch samwich. And, since I want to lose weight even faster, I ordered two.

But I noticed something about one of the other stores in the shopping center. It has a place where they sells kids stuff.

Now, since this lady has got some kids ... none of them mine. I don't think.

anywasy, she has some kids. There's Joey Jr, Donnie Jr, and John Jr, and Bertram Jr, and Little Julio, and Jack Jr, and Demarqus Jr, and Lee Ping Jr, and Running Bear Jr, and Joey III. So, she's always on the lookout for stuff to by for her childern.

Now, these little ones can be fun some times. But they can get in the way some times, too.

Still, bless there hearts, they's good kids. So I'm trying to help out by finding places where she can buy stuff for them cheap.

So, I seen this place that sells used childerns clothes. But I noticed something.

They spelled "childern" wrong.

Look close at the sign. They spells it "Children's" in one place, and "childern's" in another.

I'm thinking about calling them and telling them that they need to fix the sign.

I just aint' sure which one to have them fix.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Birthday shopping


The girl I been stayin' with's mama had her birthday coming up. So she decided to throw a party for her mama.

Now, there's butnches of ways to have a birthday party. And it was like her 65th or 40th or somethign, I forget wich, so we decided to do it up right.

Wheich of course meant we had to run over to the Walmart super center and pick up food and presents.

They had Armor star bologna on sale ... two for one ... so that made deciding on what sandwiches to have real easy. Some Sunbeam bread and Duke's mayonaise and we was set.

Oh, and we decided to cook out, too. So we got a tube of hamburger patties and some hot dogs and sausages. the sausages and hamburgers was for me and my buddies that was coming over to watch tv.

And chips. They had toms chips on sale, too. OH, and that fancy Napoleon ice cream. You know, the chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. i mean, it's like the old ladys 5oth birthday or somehting, so we wanted to do it up right, you know.

It all cost a lot by the time we as done getting all the food plus the drinks and all. Good thing I had picked up her mama's credit card off the mantle piece over the fireplace before we left, or I might not had enough to pay for it all.

Oh, this girl i been staying with also wanted to get her mama a plandt or a bush or a shrub or something.

Anyways we went to the garden shop at the Walmart, but they didn't have the plants she wanted. They was Zhuzhus or something. The name made me think of the little snotty kid in that Jimmy Stewart movie where the angel gets his wings.

So, after we picked up the foods and such we headed over to the Lowes.

They had some plants that she said was the right kind. So she sent to get a buggy.

Now, I don't know about the Lowes where you buy your stuff, but the Lowes we as at hid all their buggys. Or had all their emplyees using to put up stock.

I must have seen 45 shopping buggys sitting in the aisles with noboyd arund them. But they was all full of stuff. Like some of those florescent light bulbs. And extension cords. And wall sockets. And all kinds of stuff. Just all sittin' there with no one around.

So I found me one that only had one thing in it and took it. Oh, don't worry, I took the kid in the carrier out and put it on the display next to the wheelbarrows before I took the buggy, so it was okay.

Got back over to where she was lookin at the plants. But they wanted like $21.95 for one of those things. And since her mama's credit card was over the limit by then -- we had gone out to Hooters for lunch -- plus they was too much anyway.

Bottom line is we didn't have enough money to get them. So we went on back to the house and waited until late that night when the barbeque restaurant closed. You see, her mama had got the idea for those zhuzhus because the barbeque restaurant had them planted out front. It was one of those barbecue places that had a picture of a pig with a knife and fork in its hand. You know the type. Real high class.

Anyway, after they closed that night, we piled back into the pickup truck, took a shovel, and went and got her mama some plants for her birthday.

When the birthday came around, everyone had a great time. Least, I heard it was fun.

Me and the buddies was inside the house eating hamburgers and watching a Halle Barry movie.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Southeast Georgia Barbies


Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Georgia Market:

"St. Simons Island Barbie"

This princess Barbie is sold only at the Shops At Sea Island. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Brunswick Barbie"

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily, is always late and has no full-time occupation or goals. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Waycross Barbie"

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) … unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Sea Island Barbie"

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you won't be able to afford any of them.

"Wayne County Barbie"

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk (or sober). Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Altamaha River Barbie"

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Brunswick Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"McIntyre Court Barbie"

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant (try looking in Chicago).

"Bay Street, Savannah Barbie/Ken"

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

More White Trash Wwednesdays:

Agent Bedhead

Alabama Improper

And Rightly So!

basil's blog

BOBO BLOGGER

Dangerous Logic

Feisty Republican Whore

HECTOR VEX

It Is What It Is

Lost In Lima Ohio

Mean Ol' Meany

Merri Musings

MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Pennsylvanian in exile

Pirate's Cove

Public Figures

Riehl World View

Right Truth

Rightwingsparkle

Six Meat Buffet

Sortapundit

Stupid Random Thoughts

The Jawa Report

The Nose On Your Face

The Therapist

Vince Aut Morire


Update: A special White Trash Wednesday shout out to Alabama Improtper for fidning Barbie's dog!

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Storm Damage

That storm we had last week was rough!



Now, I certainly don't mean to make light of such a thingm, because there was some folks killed in Alabama. Most was kids at a school. Others died, too.



So, no, that aint' funny.



But storms is a way of life in the SOuth. We have them every year. Every month. Some times every week. And some times , it seems, every day.



Heck, we have hurricanes hit. Basil even went to a football game in a hurricane one time. No, really. I anint making that up. Get him to tell you about it some time.



We have hurricanes hit during hurricane season. Lots of wind. Lots of rain. Lots of lightning and thunder.And lots of house trailers overturned.



Like I said, that's life in the South.



But not every strom is a hurricane. We got tornadoes too.



Tornados is a lot like hurricanes. Only hurricanes got names. Used to be womens names, but we nearly ran out of womens names and had to start naming them after men.



I figured they'd start naming them after sissy boys. you know. keeping in line with the girly names. But they didn't. Well, heck, maybe they did. I ain't never seen no hurricane named Bubba or Red or Billy-Bob, so they're using sissy-boy7 names like Fabian, Gustav, David, and the like.



But they do'nt name tornados. Though we might name them after the fact. Like "The Tornado That Tore Up The Johnson Place" or "The Tornado That Knocked Down The Old Piggly Wiggly Store" and such.



But not every storm that htis is a hurricane or a tornado. Some times its just a big wind.



Of course, there's dumbasses that calls it a tornado anyway, simply because it took down a tree or turned over somebody's garbage can. Folks like that get rumors started. And they make it out to be a big deal cause they got wet. They ought to be beat with a stick. Preferably one you find in the front yard after a storm. And if it's got a nail sticking out of it, so much the better.



When a real storm hits, bad things happen. Like what happened down in Enterprise Alabama the other day. That was a storm. A real serious storm.



Anyway, lightning storms hit from time to time. And, sure, they cause problems.



Liek they'll put the lights out. Which is a problem if you got lights. The storm the other day was rough, but I don't know if it put the lights out. You see, I didn't pay the light bill, and dammed if Georgia Power didn't go and cut the electricyty off.



Course, that happend on the day of the storm, so when we didn't have lights three days later, I stopped over at the feed store and used the pay phone. They sent someone out to turn the power back on. I just hope they don't realize why the power was off to start with.



Anyway, about that storm. It was rough. And it had a huge effect on the neighborhood.



How bad? The wind and rain was so bad that 8 cars was washed and 6 yards were cleaned up.



More White Trash Wednesday

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Baptists

It's been a rough time. And this woman I been seein' wants me to go to church and all. She's hot and all, so I'm giving it a shot. Now, just so's you knows that I ain't got nothin' aginst Baptists. Most of my family was brought up in a Baptist. Even Basil is a Bab\ptist.



Well, I'm giving it a shot. I mean, what the hell, right? Or maybe I shoulnd't said it that way, but you get the idea.



There's more than one kind of Baptist, by the way. There's them foot-washing Baptists. Just cause Jesus did it, they think they supposed to. But Jesus also took a stick and run the moneychangers out of the temple. I ain't never seen no Baptist run folks with money off.



And Black folk Bapitst and White folk Baptists don't exactly worship the same. White folks Baptists get out of church in time to make the 1:00 kickoff. Black folk Baptists get out in time to make the 4:00 kickoff.



Most Southern Baptists, like Basil and this woman I been seein', are Whtie folks. Sure, Basil's home church ain't all Whtie folks, but most Southern Baptists are Whaite folks. Still, Blakc or Whtie, Southern Baptists got lots of thinkgs in common.



So, for them of you that don't know about baptists, here's how to tell who's a Southen Bapbitst:



You might just be a Southern Baptist if...



  • You think John the Baptist started the SBC.


  • You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.


  • You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.


  • You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.


  • Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.


  • You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.


  • You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.


  • You think worship music has to be loud.


  • You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.


  • You judge the quality of a service by its length.


  • You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.


  • You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.


  • You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.


  • You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.


  • You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.


  • You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.


  • You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.


  • You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.


  • You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.


  • You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666."


  • You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church.


  • You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for.




If you get most of these, you're a Southern Baptist. Ifyou don't get them, well, Methodists are going to Heaven, too.



More White Trach Wedensdays

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Babysittin'

Evry now an dthen, I get called upon to do some babysitting for family or folks i know.

Soemtimes its when an emergncy comes up and somebody's go to go to the hospital or the funeral home or the football game or something.

Most of the time, tho, it's when somebody is just tired of looking out for that little rugrat they brung into the world nine months after a druknen gropefest in the back of the Dodge.

Anyways, I work cheap. I don't ask them to pay ne mohthing. The only thing I wants in return is free run of the house.

That inlcudes the fridge, the cable tv (although some of the trailers my kinfolks live in has one of them satell satteell Direct TV dishes. /Them's great, too.

Oh, and the liquor cabinet.

Okay, there's usually not a liquor cabinet. But there's usually liquor in the cabinet, if you follow the difference.

Oh, and long distance. I might want to make a call to Monique or Kimberly or one of those other girls.

Anywhow, babysitting is a preetty wsweert job if you can get it.

I gets it a lot.

Cause I don't drink up al lthe liquor. I don't drop too many doritos or nachos on the couch while watching Direct TV,. And I always keep my calls under 30 minutes.

The onyly hassle i ever urn into is those little monstors that i'm babysitting.

If they're bigg enough to talk back, they're big enough to get their mouth slapped.

They don't talk back much.

But them little ones can be a handfull.

Alway7s running aournd getting into teverything. Breaking stuff. Pulling the cat's tail. Knocking over the nahcos. things like that.

But i've found as long as i can get my hand on one of their play-toys and what I call my "babysitter's friend" then I'm good to go...

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

White Trash WednesdaysWhat with everyone getting all done up for the holidays and getting ito the Chrsi8tmas spirot, I thought it'd be a good thing for met o share my world famous fruitcake recipe.

Now, them folks over up in Claxton are rpoud of their fruitcakes. But you know what? those that's in the know drives all the wya over here for Cousin Red's Famous Fruitcakes.

I used to do these every year. But things happened and I ain't made one for a spell now. So, excuse me while I try to remember the recipe. In fact, I'm going to cook one up right now and rithw about at here.
Here's what you need:

  • a cup of water (from the tap, no bottled stuff)

  • a cup of Dixie Chrystals sugar

  • four large chicken eggs

  • two cups of dried fruit (you can find this at the Piggly Wiggly)

  • a teaspoon of Arm & Hammer baking soda

  • a teaspoon of Morton salt

  • a cup of brown sugar (brand don't matter(

  • lemon juice (you can use that ReaLemon stuff if you must)

  • nuts (I like pecans, but you can use walnuts)

  • a bottle of whiskey (whiskey may be replaced with your favorite adult beverage of choice. Don't use beer. Trust me.)


Directions:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.

I'll finsh up tamorrow i thinnksdk........ jdfi ei jaea lfmenmk mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

more White Trash Wednesday

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

My Dream Ride

Sorry I've been away wo long so long, but it's been a really busy time. what with thanksgiving and birthday b partys and all.

Anyway, I was visiting with Basil and his wife the3 other tday, and when I left, i was walking back to this place Ive been staying but going to stop by the Pibggly wiggly first,.

I was waiting to cross the street when I saw this new my new dream ride.

I have got to get me one of those!!!

Humvees rock. Basil drove one of those army versions when he was playing soldier. But this is the kidn I want to drive!

More Whatie Trash Wednesdays stuff can be found here:

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Fancy Eatin' Ain't for Me

The other day, I went out to this fancy eating place near the college in waycross. When you gets a chance to make it to a big city like Waycross, you make the most of it.

So anywaya, i wnet to this fancy eating place. I had to wait to sit down, and some guy in a monkey suit made me wait a bit before he sat me down next to the kitchen.

After a little while, this other fellow, wearing a white coat, come up and wanted to take my drink rder. They didn't have no Mickalob Michel Miccha regular beer, so thry brought the house wine.

When I wasked for a menu, this guy rattled off what they had to eat. Now, I don't know if it was because he was from Vietnam, Korea, or some other Chinese place, but it was hard to understand what he said. One sounded interesting and I asxed him to tellme more about it. He said it was grilled chicken tongue with a spicy sauce and sour vegetable.

I couldn't believe what he told me. Chicken tongue?

"Sorry, boss," I told him, "but I aint eating nothing that come out of a chicken's mouth. Just bring me the scrambled eggs breakfast."

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Beer Party For The Seven-Year-Old

Every family it seems has one of those months where just about everyboyd's got a birthday going on. There's this one week in July where it seems there's a birthday every day. But Basil's got him November. He's got three grandchildren with birthdays in Nobember. And his son's birthday is in November. As is one of his nephews. And his wife's got some family with Nobember berithedays birthdays.

So, this'll be a busy month for Basil's houwsehold. And it started already.

You see, last Saturday was one of his grandchildren's brithdays. His oldest granddaughter turned seven.

Now, seein as how it was a birthday for a seven year old, and seeing as how it was in Alabama, the girl's daddy threw a beer party. Again this year.

Lots of 20-somethings showed showed up. Most brought their own beer. But not all. Some brought bottles of other stuff. Most of it was on ice. The rest went over ice. And some was Ice House. You know, the good stuff.

The party did have to make it through the whole thing with the kids eating potatoe chips and sticking weiners on coat hangers and holding them over the fire. Same witht he marshmellows. And the busting open the pinata that was shaped like a slice of pizza and contgained all the left-over hallowween candy.

I was worried it would start the delay of the beer drinking what with all the kids of the folks that hang around the little girl's daddy being there. But it didn't. We was poppin' tops and telling jokes the whole time.

We did have to stop the party for a minute while they brought out the birthday cake. They made up a bunch of cupcakes and spelt out "happy birthday" and the little girl's name. It was cute. And what was really cute was that the kids wanted a cupckae with the "happy birthday" letters on them. One grabbed the cupcake with the "y" on it but put it back down next to the ramains of the girls name. And here's what it looked like.



Now that's how to party.

Oh, there's another party scheduled in a couple of weeks. For the other two of Basil's grandchildren. That's the day fo the Auburn-Alabama football game. I'm just hoping their mama keeps kickoff time in mind. I mean, we do got our priorities.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Lizard Birthing

White Trash WednesdayI went to visit Basil and his wife the other day, and while i was there, I visited with Snuffie and the twins. Oh, and her children.

Snuffie's the mom to two of Basil's grandchildren. And they got pets.

While I was over at their place, the boy came in and told his mom "something is wrong with one of the lizards."

He and his sister have two lizards being held prisoner in thier room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he said. "I'm serious mom, can you help?"

Now, you need to understand that I'm a lot more older and wiser than my step-niece or whatever Snuffie is. So I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed the boy back into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. Since I was the man, I immediately knew what to do.

"Snuffie," I called, "come look at the lizard! She's having babies."

"What?" the little boy demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie! Mom come help!"

Snuffie came into the room. "They ain't no lizards having no babies, Red."

"Well, something's going on," I told her.

"You're so smart, Red. What do you think?" Snuffie said. Although thinking back now, she might have been a little bit sarcastic.

"When you got them lizards, you said you got two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" her little tyke agreed.

"Well, Red, what do you think we ought to do," she asked me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

Snuffie was silent for a moment. She seemed to be thinking something over.

Finally, she said, "Well, I think it's wonderful! You're going to deliver a litter of tiny little lizard babies." (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"See, thay's having babies," I told Snuffie.

"If you say so," she said, shaking her head. Women can be so stubborn, don't you think?

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

Then a thoght hit me. "And it's breech," I whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Red!" Snuffie's littel boy urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should we call 911," the little girl wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in this house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

I throwed everbody into the Dodge and we drove to the vet with the boy holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "May I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for the kids to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" I asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at Snuffie who was chuckling, then back at me. "Well, you know what I'm saying, sir."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," I asked.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then that viscous, cruel Snuffie started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that this young woman would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... well, you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and the kids back into the Dodge. THey was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mr. Red," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," Snuffie said, collapsing with laughter.

When we got back to her house, the kids wanted to run tell Basil's wife what all happened. That's when I hear Snuffie telling her mom about it.

And she summed it up to her mother with this:

"2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of Red pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless!!"

Then she turned to me and said, "Hey Red, you know the moral of the story? Finish biology class. Lizards lay eggs!"

More Whtie Trash Wednesdays:

Agent Bedhead
Alabama Improper
And Rightly So!
BOBO BLOGGER
Dangerous Logic
Feisty Republican Whore
HECTOR VEX
It Is What It Is
Lost In Lima Ohio
Mean Ol' Meany
Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Pennsylvanian in exile
Pirate's Cove
Public Figures
Riehl World View
Right Truth
Rightwingsparkle
Six Meat Buffet
Sortapundit
Stupid Random Thoughts
The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face
The Therapist
Vince Aut Morire

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Duct Tape

Duct tape is a wonderul thing. There ain't much taht can't be fixxed by useing duct tape.

Whe n I was a little thing, I used to call it "duck tape" becaue ... well, i was young and didn't know no better. I'm older and wiser now. Like the song says.

I heard they actually got a duct tape called duck tape. Pretty smart marketging in my opinion. Expecially i fyou got a duck that needs fixin.

I've seen duct tape used to patch windows on cars. I've seen shovel handles held together with duct tape. Heck, I've even seen axe handles held together with duct tape. But you woant find me near that person wwinging the axe.

Some folks uses it to patch furniture. Works, too. Works real good. the couch in our living room has duct tape keeping it together.

The microwave will last a year or two longer if you duct tape it. The refrigerator too. And the mailvox.

And i've been wondering. What are some of the best uses for duct tape you've ever seen? Basil said I ought to ask you to leave them in the comments. So, I will. Ask you to leave them in the comments.

I'll start. Here's the best use for duct tape I've every seen:

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

Problems In Bed

That woman I been stain staying with and me done got us some problems.

No, I don't need none fo of them Bob Dole pills or nothing. There's plenty of power in the old love muscle. So that ain't the problme.

But there are problems in bed. Of sorts.

And her sexy drive ain't the problem neighter. She's ready go to go about any time.

The tprobmlem seems to be that she thinks my toenails are too long.

Well, she's just got ot deal with me having long things rubbing up against her in bed, if you know what I mean.

Still, she's got some scrapes on her legs that she says she's getting form my toenails.

Since I work outside a lots, and barefoots on some times, I guess they do get sorta hard and uncormfortable at times. So I might need to cut my toenails.

What do you think?

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Catfish Latino Night

Basil done gone and talked me into going to one of them Catfish games the other day. Now, I been to the Braves games up at Atlanta-Fulton County stadium before. Got hit int he head once during batting practice, but I don't remember much more about the game that night. I think they had fireworks or something.

Anywways, after reahding all about Basil talking about them Catfishes, I went to one of their games.

It was Latino night. Seems God didn't want them to hold Latino night. They tried it in Juyly. And it rained it out. Then they tried it in august. Rained agian. So they done it this past Sunday night. Yeah, it rained, but not for too long and not too bad.

There was a few folks there that night. Not a bunch, like Basil said there'd be. But some.

I was looking for me a pretty Mexican girl. Found a couple too, but they had boyfriends or something. One had a knife. Wait, that was Basil that had the knife. Never mind.

Anyway, thy had Mexicans running around all over the place. Don't know why they was there on Latino night. Should have been Mexican night.

But they had Mexcian foood and such they was selling. And mexican girls dancing in the stands. and little Mexican boys running up and down the steps.

I couldn't understand what all they was saying. Some was speaking Mexican. And if any Latinos was there, they was speaking Latin or sometihgn.

But they played music by Van Halen, which does fit Latino night since thy done a song called "panama" one time. So they kept the theme of the night going.

There was Mexicans on the ballclubs too. SOme of the Mexicans was from Pueorto Rico. Some Mexicans was from Venezuala. And a couple was from California.

I don't know if the Catfish won or lost that ngiht. You see, they hat some hot, smoking chicks at the game. And that made it all worthwhile.

More White Trash Wesnesday

Agent Bedhead
Alabama Improper
And Rightly So!
basil's blog
BOBO BLOGGER
Dangerous Logic
Feisty Republican Whore
HECTOR VEX
It Is What It Is
Lost In Lima Ohio
Mean Ol' Meany
Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Pennsylvanian in exile
Pirate's Cove
Public Figures
Riehl World View
Right Truth
Rightwingsparkle
Six Meat Buffet
Sortapundit
Stupid Random Thoughts
The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face
The Therapist
Vince Aut Morire

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Bush's War

First, I appreciate Basil letting me post here on Wednesdays again. And for posting bond for me. Anyways, I've got me a computer again and I got my new email account working.

anyways, I been doing some serious thinking about that war going on in UIraq. And I got me an email this week telling about what all kind of damage it's causing people.

Decide for yourself. You read it:
Bush cost me my job, my kids and my houses

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.

Not a single government program was there to help me.

How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.

And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!

Regards,
Saddam Hussein

Makes you think, don't it? Pass it on! People need to know what this war is doing!

more Whtie Trash Wednesdays:

Agent Bedhead
And Rightly So!
Area417
BOBO BLOGGER
Cranky Neocon
Dangerous Logic
Feisty Republican Whore
HECTOR VEX
It Is What It Is
Lost In Lima Ohio
MacStansbury.org
Mean Ol' Meany
Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Pirate's Cove
Riehl World View
Rightwingsparkle
Six Meat Buffet
Sortapundit
Stupid Random Thoughts
SubTerfuge
The Ebb & Flow Institute
The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face
THE STEEL DEAL
The Therapist
Vince Aut Morire

Them folks eiter is white trash or they got stories about them.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

Free Grill

As you folks know, I'm always lookin' for a good deal on stuff. Well, I done found out form one of my coulsinz about this great deal that's going on.

They're giving away free barbeque grills at the grocery store.

You can find these at Bi-Lo, at Food Lion, Piggly Wiggly, Winn-Dixie, Harvey's, Kroger, Publix and at the IGA.

Free barbeque grills. Check it out.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Basil and the Catfish

White Trash Wednesdays

First off, I understand Basil's love for baseball. It's a great sport. One time, I went to a game in Ludowici, and they beat the crap out of some team from Richmond Hill or somewhere, 52-0. Really.

So, he and I both come up liking baseball.

Well, yesterday, he started a campaign to get a night named after him at one of his Columbus Catifsh baseball game. Then, about lunchtime, he got a letter from the Catfish saying don't be doing that. And Basil backed down.

What the hell was that all about?

Basil! You a wuss, you know that? That Brad guy was getting too many emails from folks helping you out? And you backed down?

No damn wonder we had to run your ass off from southeast Georgia! We don't play that down here.





When I go over to the Sand Gnats games, we don't put up with crap like that. Nick the Gnat didn't stop and have a beer with us at a game one time, so we kicked his ass.

You see, that's how you handle things where I come from.

And, we whupped Nick the Gnat so bad that the Savannah baseball team had to go and hire Nate the Gnat to replace him.





That's what Basil should have done.

When that Brad Hundson or whatever his name is wrote him and said to back off on the emails, he should of done something.

Well, I guess Basil did. He punked out.

Hey, Basil. Did Brad Hudson make you feel bad? You need to take you some Midol? Will that help? You didn't go and cry now, did you?

Naw, you didn't. I know. But you backed down. And that's now how we do things around here, boy.

That's why I hopped in the Dodge truck and rode my happy butt over to Columbus Tuesday afternoon. Got there late. Cause I stopped in Hawkinsvilee and met this Cherokee Indian chick at the library. Anywya, I got there about middle of the game, and found that Brad Hudson fellow.





Me and him had a talk. And I did all the talking. If you know what I mean.

I think Mr Hunston or whatever his name is now sees things my way.

So, here's the deal. I'm going to ask all my Whtie Trash Wednesday buddies to help out. I betcha they could talk ole Bard Hudnson Brad Hudson to picking Basil for a special night at the ball park.

And, you know what? If enough go ahead and do this anyway, despite Basil's chickensh*t bakcing down, I betcha they'll have to select him for a special night. And Basil will have to buy all of y'all tickets, hot dogs, and Pepsi-Colas. That ought to piss everybody off.

Y'all with me? Let's do it. Email the Catfish about having a night for Basil. And they better pick him for it, too. I don't want to have to kick Hook's ass.

White Trash Wednesdays

Agent Bedhead
Alabama Improper
And Rightly So!
basil's blog
BOBO BLOGGER
Dangerous Logic
Feisty Republican Whore
HECTOR VEX
It Is What It Is
Lost In Lima Ohio
Mean Ol' Meany
Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Pennsylvanian in exile
Pirate's Cove
Public Figures
Riehl World View
Right Truth
Rightwingsparkle
Six Meat Buffet
Sortapundit
Stupid Random Thoughts
The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face
The Therapist
Vince Aut Morire

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Computer Terms

White Trash Wednesdays

No, I aint' talking aobut how much you got to send Blue Hippo every week. I'm talking about the words and such that computer geeks use. Computer words. Computer phrases. Computer terms. Get it>?

good.

Anyhow, it seems I was talking with Uncle Dave the other day, and we was talking about computers ... or so I thought. Turns out we were using the smae workds but not talking the same language, if you know what I mean.

Here's where the conversation went wronig.

Here's a list of comptuer terms that some folks might get mied mixed up about:

  • Backup - what you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

  • Bar code - them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

  • Bug - the reason you give for calling in sick.

  • Byte - what your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. Also, that's what the flies do.

  • Cache - needed when you run out of food stamps.

  • Chip - pasture muffins that you try not to step in. Also, what to munch on.

  • Crash - when you go to Junior's party uninvited.

  • Digital - the art of counting on your fingers.

  • Diskette - female disco dancer.

  • Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

  • Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

  • Enter: c'mon in.

  • Fax - what you lie about to the IRS.

  • Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.

  • Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

  • Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.

  • Hardcopy - picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

  • Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.

  • Internet - where cafeteria workers put their hair.

  • Keyboard - where you hang the keys to the john deere.

  • Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

  • Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

  • Log Off: Don't add no wood.

  • Mac - big Bubba's favorite fast food.

  • Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

  • MegaHertz: When yer not careful down loadin'. Also, how your head feels after 17 beers.

  • Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.

  • Modem - what ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

  • Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.

  • Mouse pad - what Minnie sends Mickey to the store for when 'Aunt Flo' visits.

  • Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

  • Network - scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

  • Online - where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

  • Port: Fancy wine.

  • Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

  • RAM: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

  • Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

  • ROM - where the Pope lives.

  • Screen - helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

  • SCSI - what you call your week-old underwear.

  • Serial port - a red wine you drink with breakfast.

  • Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

  • Superconductor - Amtrak's employee of the year.

  • Terminal - time to call the undertaker.

  • Windows: What to shut when it's cold outside.


Want more Whtie Trash Wednesday? Check out these fine places:

Agent Bedhead
And Rightly So!
Area417
BOBO BLOGGER
Cranky Neocon
Dangerous Logic
Feisty Republican Whore
HECTOR VEX
It Is What It Is
Lost In Lima Ohio
MacStansbury.org
Mean Ol' Meany
Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Pirate's Cove
Riehl World View
Rightwingsparkle
Six Meat Buffet
Sortapundit
Stupid Random Thoughts
SubTerfuge
The Ebb & Flow Institute
The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face
THE STEEL DEAL
The Therapist
Vince Aut Morire

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

White Trash Is Alive And Well

This weekend, the Wife and I went to eat supper at a relatively new steakhouse in Columbus. And when we left the restaurant, we got a little surprise.

Actually, we didn't get the surprise. Which was the surprise.

Perhaps I should explain.

You see, someone had been putting out flyers on the windows of some of the cars, trucks, and vans in the lot.

Now, where we ate, there are three restaurants in the same building. So, there's the steakhouse, then a Japanese restaurant, then a Mediterranean restaurant. And, pretty much, the vehicles in the lot are lined up in that order too.

Except for our truck, of course. We ended up parking in the area in front of the Mediterranean restuarant. So, we walked past the steakhouse patrons' vehicles, then past the Japanese restaurant patrons' vehicles ... when we saw the flyers.

They were from National Vanguard.

What's that? National Vanguard? Who are they?

Why, they're a bunch of crazy white folks. And not the good kind. The Beverly Hillibillies are good crazy white folk. National Vanguard are bad crazy white folk.

Now, how in the world do such folks exist in this day and time? Easy. Some people is just crazy. The left has them. The right has them. Black folks have them. White folks have them. Americans have them. Canadians have them. Koreans have them. Iraqis have them. Christians have them. Jews have them. Muslims have them. Athiests have them.

The point is, the world is full of crazy folks. And most of the time I only see them on TV, read about them in the paper, or run across them on the Internet.

But this weekend, some of them crawled out of the woodwork and put out flyers on the vehicles in front of the Japanese restaurant.

These clowns are all opposed to immigration. I'm on record opposing illegal immigration. Heck, by default, illegal immigration is illegal. But legal immigration? I'm all for it.

My ancestors are immigrants, you see. I can only trace my family back around 300 years. They were here before the United States declared its independence. Fought in the Revolution and everything. So, I go back a while. But even though my ancestors have probably been here longer than yours, my ancestors were immigrants. They came from somewhere else.

So these idiots at National Vanguard have pictures in their flyers saying "Close the border" and "Stop immigration" and such. The concept that they themselves are immigrants is lost on them. Like I said, crazy white folks.

Unfortunately, National Vanguard is not a joke. They are serious. And seriously crazy.

More White Trash Wednesday

Agent Bedhead
And Rightly So!
basil's blog
BOBO BLOGGER
Cranky Neocon
Dangerous Logic
Feisty Republican Whore
HECTOR VEX
It Is What It Is
Lost In Lima Ohio
MacStansbury.org
Mean Ol' Meany
Merri Musings
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
Pennsylvanian in exile
Pirate's Cove
Public Figures
Riehl World View
Right Truth
Rightwingsparkle
Six Meat Buffet
Sortapundit
Stupid Random Thoughts
SubTerfuge
The Ebb & Flow Institute
The Jawa Report
The Nose On Your Face
THE STEEL DEAL
The Therapist
Vince Aut Morire